(photo by Leslieraphael91)
“Hey
guys!” I said when I saw the guys walking into the studio. The U-Kiss gang is
all here—Soohyun, Kiseop, Eli, AJ, Hoon, Kevin, and Jun. We’re going to record
a new song I had written for them after they came back from their European
vacation. I have been their lyricist and friend for a while since I arrived in
Korea as a college student. It’s weird because I never thought I would make it
this for to not only making my dreams come true, but also meeting the group who
helped me become the person I am today. I was only a sophomore in college when
I ran into the CEO of NH Media. He told me my online poems and lyrics were
amazing and I should come meet their group U-Kiss for their next comeback. Back
then, I really thought he was kidding. When I agreed and met them in the flesh,
I was in for an adventure.
“Hi
Asela!” Kevin smiles and gives me a quick hug. “How’ve you been?”
“Great!”
I respond. “Now that we’re back in the studio!”
“Man,”
AJ sighs. He looked a lot healthier the last time I saw him. “How long has it
been since we recorded a song? A month? Feels like forever…”
The
last time we worked on a song together was when AJ finally came back from
college and they won number one with the first song I wrote the lyrics for. We
were both surprised that it happened. “Hey!” Soohyun calls, and breaks my
Konglish conversation with Kevin and AJ. “Let’s not waste any time! We need a
new song for our comeback! Our fans are waiting for us!”
AJ
turns and smiles at me, “I’m ready. Are you ready, Asela?”
I
smile back, “Let’s start recording!”
I always want to meet U-Kiss in person.
U-Kiss, acronym for Ubiquitous Korean International/Idol SuperStars, is a
Korean boy group whom I’ve been fan of since 2010. My friends, Sarah and Emily, introduced me to
U-Kiss’ music along with other boy groups like Super Junior, SHINee and 2PM.
They were huge K-Pop fans and they wanted me to listen to artists they
recommended. U-Kiss was one of the artists. At first, Super Junior caught some
of my attention because of their song Sorry
Sorry but I did turn my head a little to U-Kiss when they played Man Man Ha Ni, Bingeul Bingeul, and Not
Young (FYI: I wasn’t that into
K-Pop at the time, but I was still interested in the genre). After I listened
to my friends’ recommended artists, I kept listening to U-Kiss’ music and I
watched their variety show appearances online. Sometimes, I would daydream that
I was working with them. U-Kiss, those seven boys, made a deep impact on me as
a person—especially during my first year in college.
At the end of my senior year in Folsom
High School, I thought I was going to be a singer, travel to Korea, become a
trainee in a big company, debut in a group, and become popular then. In a way,
my mind was set to become a singer. I really thought I could be a singer based
on the music videos, including U-Kiss’, and practiced in my bedroom like my
room was my stage and my stuffed animals were my audience. In fact, I sang as a harmonized alto in the
school choir for four years including three years in middle school.
I was convinced that I was going to
become a singer and show everyone that I was a diamond-in-the-rough people were
waiting to see. I even told myself, “U-Kiss would be proud of me for going
after my dream!” However it wasn’t my dream to sing in front of an over a crowd
of over million people, but I didn’t bother to sit down and think if I really
wanted this.
It was hard to convince my parents on my
musical career. They, especially my mom, kept asking me if this was really what
I wanted, “You should learn other things than just stick to one thing. You’ll
never know if you’ll be a singer or not. You’re going to regret it if you don’t
try!”
I was annoyed by their constant advice.
My mind set on being famous, I thought nothing would change. In order to
convince my parents that I could succeed with a music career, I practiced
during my free time in my room with songs to fit my vocal range and freestyle
danced to any fast, energetic music. I was determined to prove them wrong.
During
my practice, I handpicked and sang U-Kiss songs for auditioning big name
companies through video auditions. Since there was a rarity of singers singing
U-Kiss songs, I thought I would be the first. “Man,” I thought, “if I become a
famous singer, not only I prove my parents wrong, but also I’ll meet U-Kiss!
Heck, I might work alongside them!”
I wasn’t sure what song I should sing.
So, I asked for help…
“Should
I audition with ‘Believe’ or ‘Forbidden Love’?” I ask AJ while we stroll
through the busily streets of Seoul. Even though I am good friends with U-Kiss
as a whole, AJ and I had gotten close since I started working for NH Media. I
guess we’re close because we both attend different US colleges. We also
consistently work in the studio and often run into each other. Thus, our
friendship grew after we talked a lot during studio session. Today, everyone is
out working. Hoon and Kiseop left early to go record for a show called, “Dream
Team”. Eli is hosting “Simply K-Pop” at Arirang studio. Soohyun and Jun are
recording a new episode for “Star King”. I think a dance group is guest
starring there. As for AJ and me, we’re on a break from working in the studio. I
figured, since we’re on break, it’s the right time to practice. I asked AJ for
choosing which I should audition for. AJ was taken back at first—I don’t know
why he reacted that way—but he gladly agreed to help me.
“You’re,”
AJ still stunned that I want to be a singer, “really going to audition?”
“Why
not? Since I’ve been working with you guys and helped you win your first music
show win, I figured it’s my turn to take center stage!”
AJ
scratches his head, “Yeah but—”
“Oh!
How about this song?” I clear my throat, “Na ajikdo neoreul jiul su eobseo. Jakkujakku niga
saenggangna. Niga neomu bogo shipeo. Bamsae hansumdo jal su eobseo.”
AJ
nods and makes what it looks like an approved face, “Hm.”
“Do
you like it? It’s one of your guys’ hit songs ‘0330’!”
AJ
nods again. I’m now curious and worried. “Do… you like it?”
He
finally answers me with a careful smile, “It was nice. You might want to work
on that breathing though. And try to sing louder.”
I did what he instructs me. I start singing
again from the top, “Na
ajikdo neoreul jiul su eobseo. Jakkujakku niga saenggangna. Niga neomu bogo
shipeo. Bamsae hansumdo jal su eobseo.”
AJ
opens his mouth when we arrive to find Kevin waiting outside of the studio. We
look at each other and wonder what Kevin is doing here. We approach to Kevin
with a greeting smile on his face. “Hey guys!” Kevin said cheerfully.
I
wave at him. “Hey Kevin! What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be
appearing on a variety show or something?”
Kevin
shook his head, “Nope! I’m off today! I see you guys are working in the studio
as usual! Always making music. Can I join you guys?”
AJ
smiles at him and gestures us to enter, “Why not? I was just helping Asela with
her audition song.”
Kevin
tilted his head, “Audition?”
“Yup!”
I said proudly, “I’m going to be singer! Just like you guys!”
Kevin’s
smile changes into concern look and he quickly turn to AJ. He gives him the
same face expression when I asked him for help. I look at the two’s silent
conversation and clear my throat, “Um…is there something you guys aren’t
telling me?”
Kevin
takes a deep breathe and said in a careful tone, “Well…er…Asela…as a friend…I,
I mean we, no I mean I don’t really see you as a…singer…”
My
mind starts racing with questions and shock. “Oh…why?”
AJ quickly stops and change the subject,
“Hey, how about we start working? We can’t stay on break forever!”
I
scrounge my face and try to ease our brief, awkward conversation, “Stop Boy! In The Name of Love! And tell me, Kevin, why you don’t see me as
a singer!”
AJ
pat my head and laughs, “Very funny and let’s talk about that next time. Right
now, we need to get back to the studio and work on new songs!”
As
AJ goes straight to the recording room, Kevin gives me a weary smile. “Maybe
next time?”
I
wonder what they’re trying to say to me…
I graduated from Folsom High in May 2012.
My good friends and I smiled at our accomplishments, threw our blue caps in the
air and celebrated the four exhausting, thrilling years in high school. Each of
my friends cheered brightly like they wanted to chant “Freedom!”
“We made it!” They cried. “I can’t wait to go
to college! University, here I come!”
I should’ve joined in on the festivities,
but all I could think of was… this is going too fast. While I forced myself to
smile with my friends, I couldn’t help but reflect on what I did in high
school.
I thought about how I’ll miss the Quad
where students—both underclassmen and upperclassmen—had a quick chat before
they headed off to class, the classes I’d taken from choir to digital art, and
the friends I had made throughout my four years attending the school. I was
carefully listened to my friends’ after-high-school plans and my worries
started to build up inside me like mixing two dangerous chemicals—panic and
feeling left behind—in a tube filled with normal water to create one huge explosion.
I was worried that I hadn’t made a plan of my own. I didn’t really think about what
college I wanted to attend, let alone choose a major.
While I practiced in my room, my level of
worries escalated. As I entered community college, I met more classmates and
friends who had bigger ambitions for a career and graduating from college
early.
From left to right, they spoke
passionately, “I’m going to get my associates of science degree in ________ and
hopefully I’ll transfer to __________ once I graduate.”
They were confident when they said, “I work at
________ right now, but I’m going to get my degree and go to __________ for my
bachelor’s degree.”
And there I was. My “dream” wasn’t as
passionate as my friends even though we were all attending the same community
college. I was scared to reveal my ambition to sing for a living whereas I
wanted to major in music. Some of my friends had musical ambitions as well, but
they were more active, sharing their talents in public while I was just
practicing in my room. Even though I transferred to a different community
college for better education, I still felt worried about my future. I compared
myself to my friends in universities, and those who had stable jobs were actively
performing. I thought of how envious I felt because they were actually doing something
with their lives—not singing and dancing in their rooms like I did. I wanted to
cry just thinking about it.
I thought to myself, “What would U-Kiss
do in this situation?”
I closed my eyes and fell into my
daydream…
“Asela,”
AJ gently speaks and pat on my back. “What’s wrong? Why do you look so down?”
We
are sitting on my cream couch in my apartment. AJ came to visit because, in his
words, he felt like it. I guess he noticed my troubled look when he came over
and sat next to me. I try to give him a smile. “Oh it’s nothing really…”
“Nothing?
Are you sure?”
“Hey,
where are the others?”
“Kevin
and Eli are hanging out somewhere in Seoul. The rest left to film for a variety
show. But don’t change the subject. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing!
I’m just…”
“Just
what?” AJ asked gently
Unexpectedly,
my tears start running down my cheeks. “I feel like I failed! I just…my friends
are out there! Doing something with their lives! Going off to a university!
Working in a paid job! And here I am! Being a lazy butt and all I did is
nothing comparing to theirs! I’m scared I may not be successful as I thought.
I’m…scared….”
It
is out. The truth is finally out. As much as I want to think I’m achieving
something, all I do is dream up picture of my career and figure that is my life.
AJ sits and listen to my confession, “Asela…”
I
sniffle, “Yes?”
“There
are two things I want to say and this is just my opinion. First, this is a
daydream. We’re only your imaginary friends even though we’re real people in real
life. We haven’t met except for your daydreams.”
Wow.
That’s true but ouch.
“Second,
why are you comparing yourself to others? Have you thought about what you
really want with your life?”
“Uh…”
“Asela…”
“Okay,”
I sigh, and trying to stop crying. “I haven’t but—”
AJ
stops me, “Is being a singer really your dream?”
I
rub my temples when he asked me this question, “Why do you ask?”
“Seriously,
is it really your dream?”
I
sit in silence and thought about it for a while. “I…guess?”
AJ
frown and sighs, “Asela, do you remember an interview I had in Korea about my
dreams and goals?”
I
nodded.
“And
do you remember what I said about Columbia and my future with U-Kiss?”
I
nodded again. “What’s your point?”
“The
point is,” he explains. “I didn’t give them up because they were my dreams I
know I’m working for. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am right now. I didn’t
realize what I wanted to do until I reached a certain age.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning
you’ll get your chance. Just try new things and see what fancies you.”
I
sigh. I couldn’t help but agree with him. He is right. I was so concerned about
my future in jeopardy that I didn’t think about what else I could do to be
successful and happy.
Maybe
that’s what Kevin was trying to explain last time we hung out. They’re trying
to explain this to me about my dream is and what I’m really good at. I wipe my
tears with my sleeves, “You know, you sound like my parents!”
“Well,
they’re right. Parents are usually right…most of the time.”
I
laugh and let out another sigh, “Well, time to head back to reality. I need to
go to my first class tomorrow.”
AJ
smile and hug me. “Good luck! I know you’ll be fine. Your time will come.”
As
I drift back into the world of college and finding myself, I heard AJ singing
one of my favorite songs by them in the background, “You get some right. You
get some wrong. Although tiring, the day to smile will come. When you fall
down. When you get up. Although tiring, the day to smile will come. Eventually,
that day to smile will come.”
After
my sit-down chat with AJ, I put my music dreams aside. I didn’t give up on the
dream, but I think of it as more of an idea than a general passion to pursue. I
took his advice in consideration and tried to find other things that might
spark my interest.
A year past since my high school
graduation, I moved and transferred to another community college, Klamath
Community. I took mostly general ed. classes during my attendance at Klamath
Community. Even though I struggled to find my dream and major, I wasn’t willing to cave in from working through college
courses. I finally found relief when I enrolled in a class that I never thought
I found happiness in: poetry. I figured it was just for fun and I thought I
wasn’t a good writer. Why not start something new right? I didn’t think poetry
was fun, until after I learned so many ways to write from ransom note to a
simple haiku. I went home and looked up this new career I never thought
existed: creative writing. Creative writing could range from writing poetry to
writing fiction stories. I wrote some of my own pieces, both in and outside of
class, and presented them to my parents. In my mind, I thought they might nod
and said, “Good.” I assumed they might think my work was okay, but my writing
wowed my parents. My mom wouldn’t stop praising my work and proudly said, “I
think you can write and tell a story very well! You can make a good living out
of this!”
My dad even smiled, “I’m really glad you
found something that fancied you.”
I was so overwhelmed with joy that I
almost burst into tears. But they were happy tears. I made my parents happy
with my writing. It was the best thing that happened to me since I listened to
U-Kiss. After I showed my work to my parents, I decided to major in English
(emphasis on Creative Writing).
After I found my major, I applied and received
an acceptance letter from one of Oregon’s universities, Southern Oregon
University. I visited the campus and expressed my passion to attend there for
my degree. It was the most artistic university, actually the first university I
visited. After I got accepted into SOU, I was content to know that I’m one step
closer to getting my degree in Creative Writing. After my spring term at
Klamath Community, I will transfer to Southern Oregon University in the Fall as
an English major.
As I continue to improve my writing and
honing into my creativity, I let out a sigh and smile. I finally feel like I
actually did something with my life: majoring in English (of all people, I
didn’t think I would study in that field), writing new things, and my level of
worries had decreased. I feel like a huge weight just lifted off of my
shoulders.
Throughout my achievements, I realize one
major thing—I didn’t compare myself to others this time. Even though my friends,
including close friends who were in a similar field of study as I am, made
bigger achievements, I naturally smiled and gave my congratulations to them. I
was really happy for them, but most importantly, I was happy for myself. Not
only have I found a major that can take me far in the future, but also…I
finally got my time.
Who knows? Maybe my next achievement,
with my English/Creative Writing degree, I will be writing for big name
artists…including U-Kiss. Not as a singer, but… as a writer.
I thought to myself, “I can see U-Kiss
smiling down on me right now…”
In
my daydream, U-Kiss smile and wink at me.
I
smile back and shouted, “Thank you, U-Kiss!”
